A Fembot Fashionista In Vibram Five Finger “Toe Shoes”

When people ask me if my glorious red bottomed Louboutins are comfortable, I cringe. The question itself turns me into an Austin Powers-esque Fembot . . . ears smoking and sparks flying. The query simply does not compute because I truly care not how they feel. Each bunion inducing step actually gives me joy because they look so delicious.

Looking good enough to eat is hard work and a full time job. Part of this career, if you will, involves the perfect gym attire, as well. Why sweat in front of men and the general public unless you are going to look good doing it?

Here’s the rub: if you are going to hit the treadmill at a pace of 0.0002 miles per hour, you could easily wear the Loubies on the wretched, human hamster wheel. However, if you plan on actually toning, sculpting and making those 6 glasses of champagne turn into a memory rather than a muffin top, you've gotta hit that treadmill with a vengeance.

In so doing, you have to be careful: an ill-fitting sports bra can turn The Sporting Club into a strip club and the wrong shoes; well they can land you in traction, off your feet, in a cast, on crutches, and out of your aforementioned favorite shoes. To avoid the nightmare of having to wear Birkenstocks with my bandage dress, I recently went on a quest for the best running shoes for my little piggies.

After extensive research, I came up with the Vibram Five Fingers. Yes, the hideous hippie “toe shoes” that make you look like a futuristic amphibious monster. If you haven’t seen them, they resemble thick, fluorescent, rubber gloves for your feet. In one word, they are ugly. 

Mustering up the courage to actually purchase them took several weeks, as I was so internally conflicted: they are so hideous but so good for you. As the Vibram website says, “Vibram FiveFingers® provides a healthy alternative to traditional footwear. Wearing FiveFingers for fitness training, running, water sports . . . will make your feet stronger and healthier”

Ready to pull the trigger, I sauntered over to City Sports in silence. Obviously, I told none of my friends, as I knewridicule would ensue. There they were; if the light weight, breathable fluorescent yellow, orange and pink fabric could talk it would say, “Pick me! Pick me”.

Well, I picked them and things have been going great . . . between me and the shoes that is. However, wearing them on the street is a different story. Recently, on an outdoor run, I strode past a fashionable lady on her way to dinner. Of course, I noticed her black patent Louboutin Elisa booties. She scowled at my shoes with disgust. At first, I was hurt and offended, but then I realized, my toe shoes gave her my Fembot feeling. Well, I guess what goes around comes around.

by: Erin Elmore